Under the brown fog of a winter dawn,
A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many,
I had not thought death had undone so many,
Sighs, short and infrequent, were exhaled.
And each man fixed his eyes before his feet.”
Im afraid of my own words, though most probably only two others will stumble across my frightful sentiments. I choose to be free in this particular post, for this blog is art in some senses, this blog is freedom. Just this once I choose ownership in order that I may salvage beauty from the trapped up and silenced screams within my body.
Life isn’t a pretty little picture and when the noise fades and people disappear one is left to feel the depth of loneliness that can only be solved with the upmost of care. I am left lonely. I am left to dream of others mothers, reminded of their pain and hurt. I am left with mothers, beautiful wonderful mothers whose tears are too thick to swallow. I am left with a sadness for those around me, on the streets, on the buses, in the stores with hopeless faces betraying their best attempts at positivity. I am left to think of the mess that seems to be my reality. A father who is lost, where did he go? Once found he has stumble away from the only thing I know to be true. He has tripped and fallen so far away I no longer understand the paths which might lead me to him. So I’ve stopped searching for him and embraced that prayer is my greatest blinking light in this uncharted bleak sea of emotion.
I’ve gone East, away from the Ocean. Away from the comfort of trees. I am in a brick jungle that seems too big to comprehend. A city full of diversity, with nothing to offer me except good coffee and cute shoes. Mom is home and she is having a hard time, I can tell. Her messages are less about life and more about work. I want so badly to hold her, to cry on her shoulder and tell her how everything is going to be okay and that God is in this but I can’t. Im too far away not just physically but emotionally. I don’t know how to feel the broken parts of people anymore without completely falling apart.
My prayers have grown more desperate and today I found myself in a parking lot with my head on the steering wheel of my new mom’s car praying that God would hold me together. For I feared falling into pieces in that stupid parking lot, half way across the city. I fear falling apart again. He gave me the strength and I made it home. I always make it home and He always provides strength.
A year ago I was ending an adventure that left me confident and empowered. Though I left for Nepal weary and scared God revealed to me how boxless he is. How unimaginably large and faithful He is. This week I have embarked on a new sort of adventure, He is showing me my real needs. He is promising to meet those needs as I continue to seek. He is my God in the beginning of adventures, He is my God at the end of adventures. He will be their God during these times, when I can’t find them, He can. When I can’t love them He will. When I feel alone, I am not.